Dr Jekyll and Mr (or Ms) Hyde. You hear that a lot when victims talk about abusive partners. That they have “two sides” The wonderful Dr Jekyll to the darker Mr Hyde, if you like. When in his Dr. Jekyll mode he is charming, seemingly thoughtful and downright charismatic. This mode is presented to the normal collective and individuals he is wooing either or not the wooing is personal and even sexual or purely business or even politics. A “good” narcissist could often be prosperous as a pro actor and in fact is performing effectively on the “stage of life.”
The Mr. Hyde mode surfaces when the narcissist is in what he perceives as a safe harbor where he can get away with outrageous and abusive behavior. Safe harbors contain the privacy of his home and the environment of his own business where he has real or perceived power to control other population without fear of being exposed.

How can you know that the Domme you look up to isn’t abusing her subs behind closed doors? The answer is, you can’t. We can’t know what’s really going on behind the scenes. And an abuser, will never put their abusive behaviour out in the public eye. It’s all about keeping up with appearances, and keeping their status/reputation as a great person up. I became painfully aware of this as 4 former subs of a well known, respected Domme came forward with their heartbreaking stories of abuse, emotional manipulation and painful experiences. I will not mention any of the details, or names, as I have no right to tell someone else’s story. It is up to them if they want to come forward and have their voices heard.

When I first got knowledge of the abusive behaviour of this Domme, I had a hard time coming to terms with it. She, like me, had been a vocal voice about the importance of aftercare, upholding limits and treating subs with respect and dignity. Preaching about abuse, how she’s an empath, how she is such a good person who takes in the struggles of others. As you can imagine, I was almost in disbelief over the things I heard. She didn’t provide aftercare, would ignore her subs for days, had threatened subs, used emotional manipulation to get them to do as she wanted, didn’t care about financial, emotional or physical limitations. Only some subs had a safeword. I had been talking to them for weeks. Their stories were painful to hear. I took it in. I even went so far as tweeting about abuse, mentioning things she had been doing and how wrong it was. This went on for days. Eventually, she blocked me. Probably because she didn’t want to be contradicted when she comes forward from her Personal Time Off and starts explaining it all away. Unfortunately, I have enough experience with people like her. I have studied it in depth, after my last run in with an abuser. And I’ve discovered, that she most likely is a narcissist. How do I know? Apart from my diploma in psychology and deep interest in mental health, I have studied her behaviour closely. And there’s no doubt in my mind.
Take a look at this: https://psychcentral.com/lib/5-red-flags-and-blind-spots-in-dating-a-narcissist

As well as some other Red flags I’ve spotted:

• Initially they can come off quite charming and charismatic, always knowing the right thing to say.

• They have a sense of entitlement, sometimes this comes off as confidence, but can manifest in subtle ways, like cutting through a service station rather than wait at the traffic lights, or deliberately leaving rubbish for someone else to pick up.

• They will start to subtly ignore you. They may appear to lose interest/get distracted or check their phone while you’re talking.

• Their stories don’t quite add up, and you start to see the little white lies. You may even tell yourself, “I just heard them lie to their friend, it was just a little white lie. But s/he wouldn’t lie to me.”

• They have two sets of rules. Rules that apply to them, and rules that apply to everyone else. They may have unrealistic expectations of love and nurturing from others, but don’t hold themselves to the same high standards.

• They may be highly sensitive to criticism, or any suggestion that they are not in the right.

• They have a “my way or the highway” attitude. They believe that they know best, and that their way of doing things is the correct way.

• The relationship feels one-sided – like you are the one who is doing all the giving, the one who is always in the wrong, the one who is trying the hardest, changing the most or doing the most sacrificing, just to make them happy. And it still doesn’t work. Nothing is enough for them.

• You feel like whatever you do, it’s not enough. You’re manipulated so that your flaws and vulnerabilities are exploited and used against you at every opportunity. You begin to feel inadequate, unlovable, and like everything is all your fault.

• Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel fear, obligation, and or guilt, sometimes referred to as “FOG”

• Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs.

• Due to the strength of the traumatic and biochemical bonds they develop with their abusers, victims usually try to keep up the illusion of the perfect relationship even while abuse is happening behind closed doors – to protect the abuser and to survive the abuse.

• Some introverted narcissists deal with disagreeable people or circumstances in passive-aggressive ways. Upon receiving a reasonable request from you, they might say “okay,” “yes,” “of course,” or “as you wish,” then either do nothing, or behave however they please. When you inquire why they didn’t follow-through on an arrangement, they may shrug it off with an excuse, or say nonchalantly that their way is better.

“The realization that Dr. Jekyll was, in reality, always Mr. Hyde is very difficult to accept. It means coming to terms with the fact that the past was an illusion. It means accepting that even the good memories are lies. It means understanding that some human beings have no real qualities: that they are irredeemably bad. But only once you face this harsh reality–rather than focusing on the positive memories of the Dr. Jekyll facade and struggling to get the narcissist to be nice to you again–can you become strong enough to move on with your life.”

Here’s a few symptoms of being a victim of Narcissistic abuse:
• Question their sanity
• Mistrust those who support them, i.e., family, parents
• Feel abandoned, as if only the narcissist cares
• Feel worthless
• Give themselves no credit for their hard work
• Doubt their ability to think or make decisions
• Disconnect from their own wants and needs
• Give in to whatever the narcissist wants
• Devalue their contributions
• Obsess on their faults or mistakes
• Ignore or make excuses for narcissist’s actions
• Spin their wheels trying to gain narcissist’s favor
• Obsess on how to make the narcissist happy
• Idealize the narcissist

Society needs to understand that abuse has complex effects on the survivor and that the bond a survivor develops with his or her abuser, as well as a fear of retaliation, can sometimes prevent them from coming forward. That doesn’t mean that the survivor in question is exaggerating the abuse he or she went through when he or she finally comes clean – in fact, it may be that they are finally coming to terms with the truth for the first time.

While the abuser appears to be calm, charming and likeable, the victim that he or she has psychologically abused and violated over a period of time may appear emotional, erratic or unhinged due to the effects of trauma.

Narcissists and those with antisocial traits learn from a very young age to mimic the emotions they need to fulfill their agendas; they present a very innocent, compelling false mask to the world, duping even the most experienced members of law enforcement and the court systems. This means they can show displays of empathy, remorse, and pity ploys to convince the court systems that they are the innocent party or that they acted out of intentions that were not entirely malicious.

Given that malignant narcissists also build harems of supporters that look up to them and enable their behavior, sometimes even going so far as to carry out their dirty work for them, it is no wonder that they are able to also rely on outside support even when they are exposed for their crimes.

Some of the best lawyers, detectives, assistant district attorneys, psychologists, and psychiatrists can still fail to identify a covert predator in a case if they are not knowledgeable about personality disorders. They themselves may be deceived by the deliberate malice that is often present in a highly charged case involving a narcissistic abuser and his or her victim.

Society then confuses the victim’s silence or skewed representation on the matter as an indication that the abuse they went through was not valid, when in fact, their silence and rationalization of the abuse were actually symptoms of the traumas they’ve been subjected to. In actuality, these were the same defense mechanisms they developed in order to survive the abuse.

It comes to a surprise to their loved ones and society when victims of covert emotional violence finally admit to the truth of the abuse, at which point, they might not seem credible to outsiders. Due to the trauma bond they develop with their abusers during the abuse cycle (a bond created through intense emotional experiences), victims may also attempt to try to protect their abusers from the repercussions of their actions. They may even go so far as to pleading for criminal charges against their abusers to be dropped or lessened, or failing to report incidents of stalking, harassment or physical abuse at all.

Society needs to understand that abuse has complex effects on the survivor and that the bond a survivor develops with his or her abuser, as well as a fear of retaliation, can sometimes prevent them from coming forward. That doesn’t mean that the survivor in question is exaggerating the abuse he or she went through when he or she finally comes clean – in fact, it may be that they are finally coming to terms with the truth for the first time.

The trauma of chronic psychological warfare has long-term effects on the brain and diminishes a survivor’s sense of self-worth and reality; it doesn’t help that the abuser also works very hard to keep the victim in their place and gaslights them into believing that what they are experiencing isn’t real. It takes a great deal of courage for a survivor to come forward, so the focus and emphasis should not be on the actions of the traumatized victim, but rather the actions of their perpetrators.

Society believes in the myth of “mutual abuse” and the idea that there is “two sides to every story.”

Time and time again, we are fed the myth that survivors somehow contributed to the abuse or that the abusive behavior was somehow part of a dysfunctional relationship where both parties were to blame.

Let’s get this straight: abuse arises from a power imbalance where the abuser is able to diminish the victim’s sense of self-worth, subjecting them to name-calling, stonewalling, put-downs, sabotage and control for a period of time. A victim’s eventual reactions to these tactics, while they can be maladaptive, should never be seen as “mutual abuse”

And Finally; What does the narcissist do when their abuse is uncovered and confronted? They play the victim card, using emotional manipulation such as:

• Waterworks: Invariably, depending on the narc, there will be real tears shed on his or her part. Where have those been hiding? Is it just allergies? Who knows? The narc doesn’t even know. They only know people react to tears. Tears look genuine! Tears can’t be fake! See how much they feel!

• Apologies: Here it is folks! The words you’ve always wanted to hear. He knows what you want. He’s always known. But these words of manipulation were kept set aside for a very special occasion such as this. To pull out in desperation to make you cave. You’ll hear the “sorry” and “I’m wrong” and “I’m so flawed, you make me a better person” that you assumed were not in his vocabulary! Wow!

It’s no wonder why when the narcissist isn’t playing the role of the hero, he/she is playing the role poor victim. Through garnering pity, narcissists will play the victim, while vilifying the real victim, as a way of concealing their abusive behavior and avoid taking responsibility for their cruel and deceitful actions. Narcissists capitalize on the compassion of others and exploit their sympathy in any way they can, depending upon what their goal is at the time. If the narcissist doesn’t want to keep a promise and you become upset, your feelings won’t be validated; there will be no apology or display of empathy. Instead, the narcissist will get angry at you for being upset and blame you for your lack of empathy in not considering that they may be having a bad week, stress at work or so on.

I truly hope this helps.

4 Comments

  1. It’s a fine line between a dominant humiliating or abusing her submissive…but your post will help guys recognize the difference!

  2. Wow very well put and thank you for this it makes sense especially involving the said Domme.

    1. This is so relieving to see.
      I have personally dealt with being the villain while this specific person was disgustingly in the wrong. I tried to go to her about it and she ignored me later to make it appear I was guilty not her.

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